The Paradox

Parents are sometimes your greatest allies, and at other times, your greatest challenge. Parents fuel your classes, witness their child fully compelled by the magic you weave, and find themselves engaging with their little one’s spontaneous “bah bah bah” in the car or at home. They bring your activities into the day to day lives of their child, making up whatever they don’t remember, and discovering new ways to relate with their little one as they make music activity a regular part of life. They share your joy in their child’s music development, appreciating nuances of musical behavior that validate all that you do, sing your praises to get friends to sign up, and sustain your program through the years, necessitating more advanced classes to accommodate their child’s continuing development. 

Parents also hold the power to determine whether or not to sign their child up for your class, whether or not to bring the child back, attend on a regular basis, and sign up for successive classes. Their humble opinion determines whether or not the class is sufficiently worthy for them to continue to pay tuition, drive, and choreograph their lives to meet scheduling. Or, whether they should instead try swimming this semester, as if there were a vending machine of classes for young children, and that their child already mastered music. Some parents sign their child up for class more for the social benefits—their own often more than their children’s—than for musical benefits. Some parents may have very different expectations for a music class and be disappointed with your class. Some parents talk to other parents during class, or try too hard to encourage their child to participate, verbally distracting the little musical minds that you could otherwise reach. 

First and foremost, we have to accept that all parents are well-meaning. They know their children better than anybody, and want what’s best for their child. They adore their little being, take great pride in the uniqueness of their little tyke, and find great satisfaction in sharing the wonder of their child with a teacher who can appreciate their little one’s dynamic. They are enthused that you can reach yet another dimension of their child’s wonder and potential—the musical mind.   

Informing Parents

Well-meaning parents are not necessarily informed about music development, and the process of music learning is not at all common knowledge.  It is up to us as teachers of early childhood music to inform parents, so that they can better understand, witness and feed their child’s music learning. They know intuitively how to coach their child’s language development, providing just what the child needs at each stage, encouraging response, yet not expecting more than the child is ready to deliver. We have to encourage the same with music learning.

There is a difference between informing parents and instructing parents.  The more we instruct, the more stilted they become in the classroom, thinking there is a “right way” they should be doing things, and trying to get their child to comply. The more we inform rather than instruct, the more we encourage parents to step back and witness their child’s natural responses, as they do with everything else in life.   

How do you inform parents with their busy lives and “got it” style of learning through soundbites, Twitter, and Facebook? Of course, some parents will comply with whatever you might suggest, but it is important that you inform the parents (or caregivers) of all of your students. You cannot expect work schedules to accommodate parents attending a “required” meeting. We cannot expect parents to read anything substantial we have written, as the 2:00 a.m. feeding might be the only chance they get to read. We can’t expect to lecture parents in a class of little tykes. Yet it is important that we inform parents so that they can better understand and support their child’s music development at each age and stage of development. Their awareness of the process of music learning and their active involvement in it goes a long way in the music development of the child, whether through parent participation or parent support of what we are doing with their child. It also gives them “sound bites” they can use in describing the class to friends, bringing new families that appreciate the substance of our offering.

We reach parents with their child’s response to everything we do. Parents are very sensitive to their child, and notice that the child is spellbound with Rhythm or Tonal Activities, that the shy child is actively engaging, that the child is initiating rhythm, tonal, or songs at home, or that the child “just loves coming to class.” Parents are also amazed to see a class with 20-25 infants, toddlers, and preschoolers not only orderly, but also delightful. Their teething baby is all of a sudden engrossed in something other than crying. Parents also learn from their observations of the other children in class. They delight in seeing the tots so engaged, reinforcing their wise decision to sign up their child.

We also reach parents with our non-verbal acknowledgements as we observe their child’s new found musical independence—the child who actually walks away from Mommy to get rhythm sticks, the one who is mesmerized with tonal, the one who gets out of Daddy’s lap to dance with the Rhythm Activity, or chants his own “bah bah” after the activity is over. A look, or a nod that communicates a sincere appreciation of the child’s response, or awareness of growth does a lot to keep parents with you and with their child. Sometimes a comment after class to an individual parent helps to call attention to something you picked up that the parent did not. “Did you notice how your little one was staring during the Tonal Activity? That “deer-in-the headlights” stare tells me that we really captured his musical imagination.”

In addition to our teaching, and occasional non-verbal (or after class verbal) acknowledgement to parents of their child’s musical behavior, an effective way to inform parents about music learning is with a very short (3-4 sentences) blurb spoken over the children before the start of class, highlighting something the parents might look for—musical content, child’s response; perhaps contrasting your practices to traditional notions, with your rationale; or something that sets the tone for what is to come. How to Instruct Parents Initially offers a good example, as do the two short blurbs below that could be delivered before the opening song—reaching every parent in attendances with some new golden nugget about their child’s music development. You can slant the short message to what you think would be most helpful for parents to take away from class that day.  Simplify, simplify, simplify. The parents are not ready for more information. Like the children, they need far more aural input musically. Only then will they be able to better understand what you are talking about.

“You might pay particular attention today to your child’s occasional “deer-in-the-headlights” stare. That very focused response shows us that we have captured the musical imagination. Sometimes we assume that a child has to be happily dancing or bouncing to be musical, but that focused stare is a highly musical response.”

Or,

“Traditionally, we have used the words to songs to draw children. Notice how the children are drawn into the songs without words—the Rhythm and Tonal Activities on “bah” or “too.” Interestingly, words actually get in the way of a child being able to access the rhythm or the melody. When we let go of the words, children are even more compelled by the rhythm and melody.”

This practice can be carried on through advanced classes, introducing new dimensions like Rhythm Dialogue, Rhythm or Tonal Syllables, and even music reading. These short blurbs to parents offer something of relevance to their child’s development right now, before their very eyes—and ears, and cumulatively, build a greater sense of the process of music development in their own child. 

Supporting Parents

We can easily recognize how special each child is, but we also have the opportunity to see how special each parent is—how much they care about their child, how hard they try to do right by their child, and how they sometimes struggle to get to class with crabby children or inclement weather because they are so committed to what we have to offer. Their heart is in the right place. We may be the only adult in the day that reinforces a parent’s sense of their child. We become a colleague of the parent, celebrating the wonder of their child, as we uncover the child’s artistry, how naturally musical the child is, and the potential the child has for music learning. We are one of the few who believe in the child as much as the parents do, as we know the power of the young child’s musical mind and the capacity for musicality. We offer parents a glimpse of a dimension of their child that they are not equipped to release themselves, and rejoice with them in each new step the child takes in the direction of musical independence.

Parents are vulnerable and often inexperienced as a parent. There are no absolutes with parenting, and parents need positive reinforcement as much as their children. We can generally guide parents in a supportive way, whether in our short blurb to the group before class, or to individual parents after class.

“You needn’t coax your little one to respond musically. That focused look is a very musical response. Your child will participate vocally when ready.  Musical input is far more important than output at this stage.”

Some parents are embarrassed by their child’s seeming lack of response, and cover their embarrassment by coaxing their child—trying to get him to cooperate, distracting the child in the process and those around him. Most parents just need a little encouragement in the direction that you want them to go.

Of course, there are always difficult parents—those whose expectations are very different than yours, those who want their child to be a star, or those who sign up for the social experience and don’t care about music learning. Perhaps the most difficult are the highly unmusical parents. Most parents without a musical background are musically moved by the meters and tonalities, and recognize immediately that their child is getting something significant that the parent never did. As children advance, these parents become more and more informed and respectful of their child’s musical mind, and realize that what is musically easy for their child, is not necessarily easy for the parent. Parents who sign up for the wrong reasons, through their experience with the aural content of your class, often begin to understand the magnitude of what you are providing for their child, or see improvement in their own musicality and happily sign up for successive semesters.

A small minority of parents, likely with a low aptitude for music, are not drawn in by the tonalities and meters, and are not willing to accept that perhaps their child has musical needs that they do not. We might try likening their musical taste compared to their child’s like baby food—being right for the child, though not necessarily the taste of the adult. Parents who try to tell you that their child is bored, or who are unable or unwilling to appreciate what we are offering their child may be happier, as will you, if the parent signs up elsewhere for a recreational music class.    

Cooperative parents are willing to do most anything in class for their child. They are likely to even go along with bad teaching technique or poor musical content to have a positive experience for their child. The best way to make parents comfortable in class is to let them be themselves with their youngsters. Even the shyest parent will dance, sing, act, or make faces or funny sounds for their little one’s amusement—as long as the spotlight is not on the parent. They will hop around foolishly like bunnies for their child’s entertainment, but will freeze if asked to be bunnies on their own. The early childhood music teacher’s focus in a classroom is necessarily the children, and all activities should enable parents to engage “intimately” with their own child. As soon as we put the focus on how parents are supposed to do something, they become self-conscious, and diminish the spontaneity and joy that brings satisfaction to all.

Parents are delighted to share with you the musical behaviors of their child at home that were obviously stimulated by your class—which can include anything from initiating “bah bah,” expecting the parent to engage as well,  to the little tyke putting on boots to look like you and singing to stuffed animals. Often such behaviors convince the parent that their child is getting more out of your class than they had thought, and keep that parent coming back.

Parents are your allies. They are the conduit for you to transmit what you have to offer to those powerful little musical minds. When frustrated with parents, remember that they mean well, that their heart is in the right place, and that they bothered to sign up for your class.